Wetpaint’s Top 10 Most Hilarious Lisa Quotes of All-Time

Thanks to wetpaint.com for compiling a list of my quotes thus far.

An episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills without a snappy Lisa quip is like a day without sunshine. Her witty take on the crazy drama is the best reason to tune in! So here are Lisa’s funniest, boldest lines from the entire season so far (although picking our favorites was kinda like ranking our own children). Because Lisa is like movie-theatre popcorn — we just can’t get enough!

10. The husbands didn’t seem to mind (Episode 1.3)
Lisa: Camille’s dancing was, like… she was really shaking it and moving it. I think all that’s missing was a pole, really.

9. Lisa is crestfallen (Episode 1.7)
Lisa (about Cedric): I was very disappointed to see that under all that dynamite, there’s like a two-inch fuse.

8. Kim finds her happy place (Episode 1.1)
Lisa: It was all good fun, but Kim seemed much more reserved and much more on the outside. Maybe she went back to Witch Mountain.

7. Can we borrow those books? (Episode 1.3)
Lisa: Taylor was playing with that cotton candy. She was kind of licking it and chewing it. Doing things that I had only read about in books.

6. If at first you don’t succeed… well, maybe you should just give up (Episode 1.7)
Lisa (about Kim): Should she get married again? I don’t know. She’s tried it three times — maybe she’s not much good at it.

5. Everyone has different dreams (Episode 1.1)
Kyle: Here’s to hoping my boob doesn’t fall out.
Lisa: Here’s to the exact opposite.

4. Let’s face it: just about anyone could hold their own with Kim. (Episode 1.7)
Taylor: Can he hold his own?
Lisa: Does he have to hold his own? That’s why he’s meeting Kim, isn’t it? So he doesn’t have to!

3. What does he get on his half-birthday? (Episode 1.1)
Lisa: My husband calls me a sex object. He says every time he wants sex, I object. I say to him, you know what? Christmas and birthdays. And it’s your birthday, not mine; it’s another day off.

2. Russell’s not feeling the love (Episode 1.3)
Lisa (about Russell): I mean, Taylor’s a bright, vivacious, attractive woman. Evidently, opposites attract.

1. Lisa should leave the matchmaking to someone else (Episode 1.6)
Lisa (about setting Kim up): I actually have somebody in mind, but he’s — actually, he’s still behind bars.

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13 Responses to Wetpaint’s Top 10 Most Hilarious Lisa Quotes of All-Time

  1. There was also a hilarious one where she was talking about Camille’s story of her introduction
    to Kelsey by a friend of his. I don’t remember all of it but she says something about what the friend
    must have said to Kelsey about Camille. She was talking about what he probably actually said.. that she was, you know “tops at the track!!”
    Why isn’t this woman a movie star? It was brilliant.

  2. One of my favorite quotes from Lisa that’s not on this website is when she went to get her American driver’s license and she was trying to study, when that creepy guy started talked to her and was like:
    “How many fingers am I holding up?”
    Lisa: “Not as many as I’ll be holding up in a moment I can assure you.”

  3. I love when she referred to the Dinner Party From Hell as “a few clowns short a circus” LOL!! Love her, she’s my fave 🙂 xoxoxo Couture Skin (Facebook)

  4. “kamel drink was like a bowl of soup. It was huge. it was design to blow your socks off.”

    “The DMV was a bit of a culture shock. It was eclectic to say the least.”


    p.s. does Cedric Martinez have a Twitter account?

  5. I love it when she is talking about meeting Taylor’s husband Russel for the first time…don’t know exact quote but says something along the lines of how Taylor said Russel was this “big Texas cowboy” … and then in walks Russel (as Lisa cracks up) Haha I ADORE Lisa!!!

  6. Dont forget Lisa’s hilarious voice message on her answering service when Camille called. ” Hello…helloo…..” I was in stitches when Camille said *its her voice mail* lololol.

  7. I also loved when she said- in reference to Alison DuBois- “Camille brought along her sidekick…I mean, psychic” SO perfect

  8. Lisa darling,
    You are my favorite house wife!!! I must say I am a gay men with a total crush….lol
    You are fabulous, smart, and funny. I am praying to God you might read this….
    Darling I must say you have pushed Cher to my second spot. Beside your house guest I am your number one fan. 😉

  9. What I love is that when she SAYS these things… she passes it off as if she didn’t even say anything funny, ha ha, it just FLOWS right in with whatever she’s talking about… and she doesn’t even crack a smile… THAT makes her even MORE funny…

  10. Lisa and Kyle are our favorite ladies. Smart, witty, beautiful and classy. Lisa, we think you are prettier now than you were in your online movies. Your husband is a doll too. We love your poms. We just had two new pom puppies. We hope you stay in California. You brighten it up.

    When we watch the show, it is nice to see how kind you are and genuine and real like Kyle and Mrs Maloof. I hate when Taylor gangs up on Kim. I am glad you don’t join in on that and how you and Mrs. M try to be more helpful and diplomatic.

  11. Lisa you are my favorite housewive. So full of energy, style and class. Not to mention your wickedly delightful comebacks. I love it!

  12. Lisa, you’re classy and sassy. I love your one-liners. My favorite is the one about Cedric and the ‘2 inch fuse’. You don’t miss a beat.